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Grandparenting in Blended Families Wisdom, Warmth, and Connection with Heather Jenkins

In this episode, I sit down with a very special guest—my mum. As a grandmother in a blended family and a doctor, she brings unique personal and professional insights to the complexities of family dynamics.

We explore her approach to being a grandparent in a blended family, from making each grandchild feel special during holidays to staying connected through technology when distance is a factor. My mum shares her thoughts on creating a warm, inclusive environment and the importance of building individual bonds with each grandchild.

She also reflects on the challenges of her role, highlighting the need to provide support without overstepping boundaries and the value of being a safe, supportive figure for grandchildren navigating family transitions.

Heather Jenkins
Let go of the perfection. I mean, people want to come and spend time at your house and with you if they are having fun. And if they feel wanted and accepted, just as they are, they will be very happy to come and spend some time. That’s beneficial to everybody.

Laura Jenkins
In The Blend is a podcast series that helps parents and step-parents navigate life in a blended family. Join me as I speak with experts and guests to get practical advice on how to create a more harmonious blended family life. Having grown up in a blended family and now a decade into raising one of my own, I bring a personal perspective to these conversations, and we dive deep into the unique dynamics, logistics, and challenges of raising a blended family. From new partners to juggling mixed finances, we will help guide you through it.

Welcome back to In The Blend and Happy New Year to you all. I cannot believe we are almost at the end of January 2025 when I am recording this intro.

Today’s episode really is a special one for me because I am joined by someone very close to my heart—my mum. As a grandmother in a blended family and also a doctor, she really does bring a wealth of personal and professional experience to the conversation.

Now, in the episode, we had many different ways we could have gone here, but what we dive into is what it means to be a grandparent in a blended family. From creating special moments during holidays to staying connected with grandchildren near and far, my mum shares her thoughtful approach to fostering connection and making everyone feel valued. She also opens up about the challenges of navigating family dynamics and the importance of offering support without overstepping.

So whether you’re a grandparent, parent, or just someone interested in family relationships, this episode is filled with warmth, practical advice, and plenty of reflections. I am so looking forward to sharing this one with you. Let’s get started.

Welcome, Mum. It is wonderful to have you on the show today. Thank you so much for joining me.

Heather Jenkins
It’s such a pleasure to come along and support you in this wonderful podcast that you’ve been putting together. I listen to all of the episodes and really enjoy them.

Laura Jenkins
Oh, thank you, Mum. It’s nice to have a supporter like you. I’ve said to you for a little while I think you’re a great candidate to be on the podcast because you’ve not only got a blended family of your own but your daughter—that’s me—has a blended family.

You’re also a doctor, so you’ve got plenty of professional experience, particularly from your time working as a GP, and you’ve seen lots of patients who’ve been in blended families and experienced various challenges.

There are so many different directions we could go in for a conversation, and we might have to have you back again so that we can explore all of the different angles.

But for today, I thought we might focus on your experience as a grandma in a blended family.

Let’s kick off. As a grandma in a blended family, what’s your approach to creating a welcoming and inclusive environment for all of your grandchildren—and you’ve got two step-grandchildren—especially around special occasions?

Heather Jenkins
That’s a really good question, Laura. I think when you asked me to talk about being a grandma, it made me reflect to some degree on the relationship I had with my grandparents growing up.

I was very blessed to have absolutely wonderful grandparents. They spent heaps of time with us. We’d go and stay there for all our school holidays, and they weren’t the sort of people who lavished you with gifts, but they lavished you with their time.

My grandma taught me how to knit, sew, and do lots of things that have given me great pleasure over the years.

More than that, looking back, the one thing that they did do was make you feel really special—like you were a very important person in their lives. I think if all of us can have at least one person in our life who makes us feel like that, then that’s a great thing.

So keeping that in mind, I think when it comes to special occasions, it’s about making everyone feel special and feeling included.

For example, at Christmas time, I think it’s really nice if you can give everybody a warm hug when they arrive—even though the teenagers cringe when you do that. Just let them know that they are special to you.

Involve them in the preparation if you can, so that there’s a little bit of anticipation. And then there are various things that we do as families that maybe the newer members of the family need to learn. We tend to do those things because they’re fun. Hopefully, they’ll become a part of the rituals for my step-grandfamily as well.

Laura Jenkins
I love that, and it’s nice to hear about your experience with your grandma as well and how that is now feeding through to how you show up as a grandma at this stage in your life.

So let’s talk a bit more about special occasions and holidays in particular. How do you ensure that each of the grandchildren feel equally valued?

I know Christmas is just around the corner—it’s a month from when we’re recording this episode—so how do you do that even if they aren’t able to be present at every single event?

Heather Jenkins
Well, that’s true. Often it’s the alternate year thing, isn’t it? They’re at one set of parents for one Christmas and the next set for the next Christmas.

I think it’s important when they’re not there that you make the effort to be in touch with them. Fortunately, in this day and age, it’s a lot easier. You’ve got to be a bit of a groovy granny and keep in touch with the tech stuff so that you can use Snapchat, FaceTime, WhatsApp, and all of those things.

It gives you the opportunity to connect. Kids are so used to using their devices. I think it’s really important that you make the effort to give them a ring on the day so that they feel as though they’re part of what’s going on in your home.

Laura Jenkins
I think that’s really nice. And you’re right, it isn’t realistic that they’re going to be with you every single year in every certain situation.

So what traditions or routines have you developed that help your blended family feel united? And how do you involve your grandchildren in creating some of those traditions?

Heather Jenkins
I think it’s lovely too. They’re all different, aren’t they? They really like to do different things.

The singers and dancers in the family might like to put on a concert. The shy ones might benefit from you saying, “Oh, would you like to sit next to me for lunch?” so that they’ve got somebody to be with them.

The arty ones might like to be involved in decorating the table or the tree. I just think it’s really important to try and get to know what it is that they’re good at, what they enjoy, so that they can participate and feel comfortable in what happens on those special occasions.

Laura Jenkins
I think that’s good advice—just making sure that you’re able to connect with them in a way that is meaningful and relevant to them.

Heather Jenkins
Yeah, and I think the other thing that we always do is we go around the table on Christmas Day, and everybody talks about what the greatest thing that’s happened to them this year was.

I’m sure you’ll remember this very well, Laura, because we’ve done it for years. But it’s lovely that the stepchildren get to be involved in that too and to hear their little perspectives about what the best thing that’s happened to them during the year is.

As those rituals become part of our family, I think it builds a sense of belonging.

Laura Jenkins
Absolutely.

So let’s shift to some of the challenges then. And I agree, focusing on the positives is super, super important.

That tradition has been a really nice memory of mine—going around the table each year.

But let’s shift to the challenges.

What challenges have you encountered as a grandma in a blended family? And how have you learned to address them over time?

It’s now been about a decade—maybe 11 or 12 years—since you became a step-grandma.

Heather Jenkins
I think you’ve got to remember that even with your own grandchildren, the relationship is different.

I remember somebody gave me a book once called How to Be a Wonderful Grandma when I first became a grandma. And on the very first page of that book, it said:

“Reminder: You are not the parent. They are not your children.”

And I remember going, What?! That can’t possibly be true.

But I think that is the thing you do have to remember—that they are not your children. Your own grandchildren form a very special part of your life and are very important people, but they’re not your children.

Some things you have to leave to the parents—the educational things, the behavioral things. Those are much better handled by parents.

But as a grandma, if you can be a really good listening ear, that’s invaluable.

And sometimes it’s hard—like if one of the children is having a problem with their biological parent and you would just love, as that maternal part of you, to help them fix it. But you can’t.

You just have to listen and be understanding and let them know that there’s somebody on their side—somebody they can talk to who cares about them. That gives them an opportunity for a supportive outlet.

Laura Jenkins
I think that’s so nice. And you’re right—you can’t fix it for them, but having someone in their corner who they feel they can talk to, who understands them, and who is empathetic, can have such an impact. I love that.

Heather Jenkins
I think it’s very important that they have somebody in their life that they know cares about them.

Laura Jenkins
Absolutely.

So how then do you build individual bonds with each of your grandkids in a way that makes them all feel special?

Because we know they’re all different. And even when you are in that large blended family setting, how do you manage to do that?

Heather Jenkins
I think it’s about spending time with them as individuals and getting to know, as I was saying before, what they’re interested in.

And that can be quite challenging in this day and age. When I look back to my grandparents, they weren’t working, so we could go there every school holiday as often as we wanted to and stay for weeks on end.

Whereas a lot of grandparents, like me, are still working. So your time can become limited.

It’s about using the time you have in the most effective way—making sure that when they are visiting, you sit down with each of them individually and talk to them about what’s going on.

And that’s a bit of an art sometimes too—getting information.

You don’t want to make them feel like they’re being interrogated.

Often, with the older ones, I’ll use the “gossip technique.” They love talking about everybody else except themselves.

So I might say, “Oh, you know that girl who was in trouble at school? What happened to her?” And as you ask them about somebody else, they’ll eventually start talking about what they’re doing.

I think you soon work out what their interests are—the sporting events you can go to, the music concerts, the ballet concerts.

They’ve all got their own special interests. The quiet ones who like doing a jigsaw puzzle? It’s about sitting down and doing the jigsaw with them.

They just love having your interest and attention.

And yes, sometimes it is hard to spread yourself around, but I think the rewards that come from spending time with each of your grandchildren on an individual basis are beneficial for them—and for me.

I get a lot of pleasure out of it.

Laura Jenkins
And I can vouch for your ability to get the teenagers talking as well.

I’ve seen that—you do that very well, Mum. You’ve got the knack.

Laura Jenkins
Alright, so let’s change tack a little bit here.

What advice would you give to other grandparents who may feel unsure about how to support their children and grandchildren in a blended family?

Heather Jenkins
Well, I think for your own children, there are always some issues in a blended family.

It doesn’t matter whether you’ve got a traditional family where everyone’s still living together in their family of origin or whether they’re a blended family. There are always going to be times when there are difficulties.

It’s about being open and being able to talk about some of those difficulties—while remembering to keep your “I can’t fix this” hat on.

Yes, you can listen, you can help, you can support, and you can reassure.

It’s very difficult when you see your own children struggling with a situation.

I think it’s just about letting them know that you’re there for them—letting your family know that you do want to help, that you are interested, and that you’d like to do your very best to support them in any way that you can.

And it’s really the same for your grandchildren—making some sort of connection with them so that the line of communication is open.

That way, you’re someone in their life who makes them feel special.

That might look different for each grandchild, as we’ve mentioned before, but I just think that if you can be someone who makes them feel special, they’ll talk to you.

And then, when they need support, they’re more likely to pick up the phone and have a chat or want to involve you.

And I think that’s a really nice thing to be able to do.

Laura Jenkins
Absolutely. And I think, in addition to that, it’s about knowing when it is and isn’t your role to step in.

I guess when it comes to any conflict that your step-grandchildren might be having in their own life, or challenges that your own children are having navigating their family situation.

But again, I think you do that incredibly well.

Heather Jenkins
You’ve got to listen but stay at arm’s length.

I mean, the last thing you want to do is go charging over to the house and say, Right!

You’re going to put everybody off in the family if you do that—and probably not make very good friends with your in-laws.

Less is more.

It’s a hands-off, supportive approach—not a get in there and try and fix it approach.

I think that’s the best way to tackle it. Definitely.

Laura Jenkins
I think, especially with occasions like Christmas—just to come back to that again, seeing as it’s so topical at the moment—it’s about letting go of some of those expectations.

The idea that I have to have all my children, grandchildren, and step-grandchildren here on Christmas Day, and it has to be perfect every single year—that’s a lot of pressure.

Heather Jenkins
Oh yeah, I call that the matching pyjama Christmas.

You know, the ones where they send out the cards with everyone in beautiful matching pyjamas, there’s a gorgeous house, and even the dog’s got a bow?

I think we’ve got to let go of that.

That’s not what families are about.

Let’s not Instagram it—let’s live it.

And yes, once in a while, there’s going to be some controversial opinions at the Christmas table.

That’s what families do—they deal with those situations.

So, let go of the perfection.

People want to come and spend time at your house and with you if they are having fun.

If they feel wanted and accepted just as they are, they will be very happy to come and spend some time.

That’s beneficial for everybody if we all enjoy it.

Laura Jenkins
Absolutely.

So, as a doctor, how important is it for blended families to consider getting some medical or professional support when things just aren’t going that well—either at Christmas time or otherwise, with all of the family dynamics at play?

Heather Jenkins
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It’s really good that there are services available to help.

The Medicare mental health plans can be fantastic if you feel somebody in the family might benefit from some sessions with a psychologist.

I think you can get 10 sessions a year now that are partially supported by Medicare.

Sometimes, involving somebody who’s professionally trained from the outside can help—whether that’s about setting boundaries, learning what’s okay and what’s not okay, or dealing with negative emotions.

Learning how to manage some of the behavioral issues that inevitably come up in families—blended or not—is important.

Some people just need extra help and support in navigating things that impact how their family functions day-to-day.

And from a medical point of view, I’m always looking out for signs of depression.

In some families, it can be quite overwhelming for one or more members.

Depression usually presents as withdrawal—they really don’t want to talk, which, I know, isn’t unusual for teenagers anyway, but when it gets worse than that, it’s noticeable.

A persistently low mood, crying, even anger—it’s a big one. Anger can often be a mask for deeper hurt.

It’s really important to recognize those things.

The good thing about depression is that it can get better with the right support.

So, having the opportunity to say, “Look, I think your life would be a whole lot better if you got some professional help,” can be really valuable.

And it’s important to look out for those signs.

That being said, you can’t be the doctor for your own family.

You have to put your mum or grandma hat on and say, “I really think you need to see someone who can help.”

Maybe you know someone in your circle who might be a good fit for them, but ultimately, it’s about encouraging them to seek that support.

So again, I think it’s important not to try and fix things yourself—but to listen and support.

Laura Jenkins
I think that’s wonderful advice and certainly something that can be immensely helpful for people who might not be finding it so easy along the way.

So, Mum, we are at time for our conversation today.

I am definitely going to have to have you back on so we can dig into a few of the other different themes.

Like the family secrets!

Heather Jenkins
Oh, too funny.

Laura Jenkins
Yes! Part two!

Heather Jenkins
To be continued.

Laura Jenkins
Yeah, to be continued, exactly.

But look, just before we do wrap up, is there any final advice that you would give to any blended family grandmas who are listening to this episode?

Heather Jenkins
Don’t expect perfection.

Just enjoy the opportunities that you do have and make the most of them.

Because grandchildren bring a lot of joy into your life.

And whether they’re your biological ones or your blended ones, they all have a lot to offer you.

And you have a lot to offer them—if you spend the time.

Laura Jenkins
Well said.

Thank you, Mum. What a lovely spot to end.

Heather Jenkins
Thanks so much, Laura.

I’ll catch up with you later in the week.

Laura Jenkins
Thank you so much for joining me for this special conversation with my mum.

I hope her insights on grandparenting in a blended family have left you feeling inspired—and perhaps even a little more connected to your own family dynamics.

She always has such great tools up her sleeve for navigating life’s ups and downs.

So we’ll definitely have her back on again in the future.

Thanks for listening to the In The Blend podcast.

The show notes for this episode are available at intheblend.com.au.

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